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About Hobbyist Artist requishnaFemale/Canada Recent Activity
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THE FIRST THING they spent time establishing once my body was taken away was whether or not I ran into that truck on purpose.
I know the truth, but it’s more complicated than a “No”.

You see, I have been suicidal at various points in my life for most of my life for much of my memory.
But I did not try to die that day. But I want to have tried that day.

Instead I have coped with the reality that I wish I had died, that I want to retroactively try, and the knowledge that in its retroactive state I acknowledge I failed.

I am a shell containing 8 years of broken wishes, 17 years of grief and regret, and too few years of hope.

No one acknowledges for me the devastation of limbo between almost dead and almost alive.
The First Thing
The complicated nature of survivorship.
I lie here
Mirror cradled in my two hands
I hate you
It smirks and leers back at my tears
Not good enough
Words slice me like knives
Infection spreading to my lungs
I can't breathe
Skin so thin the light shines through
Bruised eyes from the dawn
When I sleep I don't rest
When I rest I don't renew
My gut twists and screams
But I won't feed it
My body on fire
I won't douse the flames
I wear my self-hatred like a sheen of sweat
It always lives in me
But occasionally rises to the surface
The stench of it unmistakable
No number of bathings
Can cleanse me
Rip out my tongue
Toss it in a back alley dumpster
No one wants to hear the poison it drips
Or the ideas expressed
This mind may as well be carved
And served
Examined, picked at, and discarded
Either the mind is valued separate from the person
Or the person separate from the mind
On rare occasion
Both might be accepted
Only to have duality of soul
Denied and cast out
My emotions are not enough to feed me
Nor kill me
Do you see the bitterness behind passion
When a smile graces my face?
Do you see decades of layered scars
That dim my life?
I want to be accepted
But cannot accept myself.
Ever feel out of place?
My moods are like a roller coaster
up and down, up and down
sometimes faster, sometimes slower
'round that corner a new thrill awaits

My moods are like a roller coaster
exciting at times
but so nauseating others
many times I want off this ride

My moods are like a roller coaster
unpredictable to the passengers
the onlookers not feeling the thrill
and everyone tired at the end of the day

My moods are like a roller coaster
that some days I am grateful to experience
and others I curse
and no one wants to ride with me

My moods are like a roller coaster
twisting and turning
on a path I did not set
but must follow regardless
Bipolar Disorder
A poem about my condition and companion.
I have been gone a long time from DA. Many people I had connected with have left DA, and the others have continued to grow and change (as humans are wont to do). As for myself, I am not certain I'm really back, or if I am briefly flirting with it again. The part that I've always appreciated about DA is that I can come and go from it as I need, want, please.

Despite my creative leanings, and the integral part creativity plays in my general well-being, I have been neglectful. And now I am newly reawakened to that fact as my mental health has declined, affecting those around me as well as myself. Even if this return is but a brief foray into the seductive world of this art community, I am feeling a certain amount of dedication to continuing my contributions, at least for a while.

I have one question, perhaps some of you may have suggestions for me. I expect that I shall pick up free-writing again, in a way that I have not previously published here. My question is how does it make most sense to publish these writings? I generally do free-writes with pen on paper, expressing myself through the physical act of writing. This means I could attempt to publish these writings as images, or I could attempt to type them up. The next question is one of location - Where do others feel it would be best to post such writings? My first inclination is to post them as Journals, though this would not allow the option (to my knowledge) of posting an image.
  • Mood: Content
  • Listening to: Shinedown - No More Love
  • Reading: Children of the Mind by Orson Scott Card
  • Drinking: copious amounts of water


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maxlover Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2014  Hobbyist Interface Designer
Happy Birthday
st2wok Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2014
Happy Birthday! :party:
A-M-A-P Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
It would be awesome if you let me know how my art work is? Oh, and here is a Llama because I am awesome like that, hehe :D
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank for the watch :iconthxwatchplz:
Lonewolfninja89 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014
welcome back 
SomeRandomIrishDude Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I miss you.
TheInternetsNemFX Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2013
come back?
RhynWilliams Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013   Traditional Artist
happy birthdeay xx
archaelius Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy Birthday!
blueskymines Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hope you have a Happy Birthday :)
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